Words on an Absent Father
by oursolemnhour49
Summary: A few days after Asgard, Lloyd is still plagued by questions about his family-specifically questions about his father. One-shot.


**This idea came to me when I was taking my astronomy final and attempting to figure out whether I had millions of solar photons or solar neutrinos whizzing through my body at any given second. Suffice to say once I started thinking about this I had a really hard time focusing on my exam. So please review, because if I failed that final, it's this story's fault, and I'd like to feel it wasn't a total waste. And yes, I think about ToS way too much.**

**I own some things, but ToS isn't one of them. Enjoy!**

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"When are we going to stop?"

Lloyd smiled a little as he watched Raine sigh, "Genis, we'll stop soon, really. We just haven't seen a good place yet. Complaining about it isn't going to help us find one."

"So if we find a place that looks good, we'll stop?" the boy pleaded.

His older sister smiled and cuffed him lightly on the side of the head. "Yes, if you see a good place, we'll stop there. That is- none of you have any objections, right?"

Colette gave a little giggle and shook her head, while Sheena raised a hand as if to wave off the suggestion. "Not from these girls," the black-haired ninja said lightly. "I'm with Genis on this; I'm pretty tired. We've been walking for half the day, it feels like!"

"Six hours," a deep voice from the back of the group said quietly.

Sheena rolled her eyes at Lloyd. "Fine," she called back, laughing. "A quarter of a day. It feels longer."

Lloyd grinned at her and shot a quick look back at Kratos, who was walking steadily, scanning the dirt road and the plains on either side of it.

For a while, the flat lands on either side of the road seemed to be endless. The gold-brown plain just seemed to go on without any irregularity. The sun began to sink in the sky and a warm wind blew. The long dry grass began to rustle with a soft sound like papers sliding over one another. Lloyd fell back a little so he was behind the others, but not too close to Kratos. The boy hoped they would stop soon; he wanted a moment to be alone with the thoughts that had been troubling him since Asgard.

Suddenly Genis gave a shout, "Look! There are some trees up ahead! Why don't we camp there?" And sure enough, on the right side of the road several yards ahead was a small thicket of trees. As the party drew nearer, they could see that the grove was small, no more than a dozen or so trees with wide flat leaves that looked like fans. A small gap in the middle of the clump of trees looked perfect for a campsite.

Colette and Sheena gave Raine hopeful looks. She shrugged. "It looks all right to me. Is everyone okay with stopping here?"

By everyone she clearly meant Kratos. The mercenary looked around without emotion. "I have no objections," he said quietly.

"Thank Martel," Genis muttered as he flung himself on the grass. "I'm so tired."

Raine prodded him with her staff. "Come on, up with you. You and Lloyd can go get some firewood."

Genis groaned and rolled over on his stomach to get up. Lloyd quickly shook his head at him. "It's okay, Professor. I can get it by myself," he said, trying not to sound overeager.

Raine looked at him doubtfully. "Are you sure?"

He nodded. "All right, then," she sighed. "Just don't get distracted. Come back quickly." Lloyd nodded and went off among the trees to the west.

Forty-five minutes later dusk had fallen, and Lloyd still had not returned. Raine exhaled angrily and began to rise to her feet. "What in the world can he be doing?" she exclaimed. "This place is rather hard to miss; I bet you could walk the length of this grove of trees in five minutes if not less!"

"Miss Sage, I'll look for him," Kratos said firmly, standing up as he spoke. He walked past the group into the trees where Lloyd had disappeared, leaving Raine staring after him.

Lloyd stood at the edge of the trees, looking out to where a faint gleam of light lay on the western horizon. The sky had taken on a blue-gray hue that made Lloyd think of his exsphere. Unconsciously he brought his left hand to his chest and began tracing the gem with the forefinger of his right hand, pondering everything Kvar had said at the human ranch. He leaned his head back against a tree trunk and shut his eyes. A depression completely foreign to him overwhelmed his mind. Was he ever going to know the truth about his family?

"Lloyd, what are you doing here?" Kratos's voice made him jump. The boy sprang away from the tree as though it had shoved him, and in doing so stumbled over the stack of firewood he had gathered. Without a word the mercenary bent and began to gather the sticks. Feeling like a fool, Lloyd bent and helped him.

When they had finished, Kratos gave him a long stare. "Lloyd, does the thought of your exsphere still bother you?" he asked.

"Huh? Oh-oh, no. Not really. I hate what happened to my mom for it, but after what you've told me, and after she did her best to make sure that I had it- using it doesn't bother me anyway-anymore," Lloyd stammered, and felt his face turning red.

But Kratos did not laugh. "Then what is troubling you?" he asked quietly.

Lloyd sighed and wondered if this was something he wanted to tell Kratos. Before he was even aware he had decided, he blurted out, "My father."

A look of surprise and some other emotion flashed across the mercenary's face. Almost before Lloyd noticed the change in his expression, Kratos's face was composed again. "Because he killed your mother?" he said gently.

Lloyd shook his head. "No, it's not that. What happened to Mom was Kvar's fault, not my father's. What bothers me, what I can't stop thinking about is- why didn't my father try to find me afterwards? Why didn't he stay?" The teenager felt his voice shake and took a deep breath. There was no way he was going to let Kratos see him cry.

"Perhaps your father thought you had died in the struggle." Kratos sounded as though he were trying to keep his voice level.

"How could he have?" Lloyd demanded vehemently. "Dad- Dirk- found me by my mom's body. If my father killed her, he had to have been there. Why would he think I was dead? I mean," Lloyd paused as a thought struck him, "don't get me wrong, I love Dad a lot, but I can't help- I can't understand why my real dad would leave!" He drove a hand through his hair and turned to Kratos. "I mean, would you leave your kid in a situation like that?"

Kratos said nothing for a long time, and when he spoke his voice sounded strangely brittle. "No, of course not. No father would."

Lloyd gave a bitter laugh. "Well, mine did."

For a long time there was a silence. The last streaks of light died, and the first stars began to appear against the blue-black sky. Lloyd stared up at the heavens, slowly feeling calmer. His one memory of his father came back to him, as he remembered leaning against his father's chest, gazing at the lights suspended in the sky while his father ruffled his hair…

After a while, Kratos spoke softly, and he sounded almost as though he were talking to himself, "There might be more to it than you or your adoptive father knew. Perhaps a danger, or even something as simple as a misunderstanding that led your father to leave you. It may not have been abandonment."

Lloyd stared at him. "You think that's possible? I've always hoped that- I've always hoped that somewhere my father still cares about what happened to me. I really would like to know him, but I don't know what to think of him. I just don't know why he would leave..." His voice trailed off.

Kratos said nothing. For a long time the two of them sat, side by side. Lloyd let his gaze wander over the sky. Finally, he asked, "Kratos, do you know any of the names of the stars?"

He felt the mercenary stir beside him. "I don't remember many, but I know some of the constellations. Over there," Kratos pointed to a low point on the horizon, where five stars were set in a crooked 'W', "is Undine, who represents water. I think some of the other elements are represented, but I can't remember their locations."

"Thanks," Lloyd said with interest. "I wish we could study things like that in school." He smiled. "One thing I can remember when I was little is looking at the stars with my father."

"I see," Kratos said after a moment. "Is this why you always look up at the stars?"

The teenager blinked. "You noticed that? Uh- yeah, I guess it is. It feels like home, I guess. It does now."

A comfortable silence settled between them. At last Lloyd shook himself and straightened up. "We should probably go back," he said gruffly. "And Kratos- thanks for listening to me."

The mercenary inclined his head but did not look at Lloyd. They both gathered the wood and began to walk back through the trees. As they walked back, Kratos suddenly asked, "Do you hate your father for leaving you?"

Lloyd paused open-mouthed as he thought. "I- I-no, no I don't. I'm confused by what he did, and I really wish he had stayed, but now that I think about it-he was with my mom when Kvar-well, you know, when he took off her exsphere. And that must mean that he cared enough about her to stay with her." Lloyd blushed. He didn't know why he was telling Kratos this, but he realized that he wanted to talk about this with someone. Gathering himself, he went on, "I used to think when I was a little younger that it was-it was-just a short thing, that my dad had just left my mom and that she was alone with me when she died- but now that I know my dad was with her…he must have known that Kvar was after her, but he still stayed. And I think someone who did that wouldn't leave their kid behind, not unless they had a good reason. I don't know why my dad left, but he must have had a reason. I just wish I knew what it was."

Kratos nodded once. "That's more generous than he probably has any right to expect. But I agree with you that he must have had a reason to leave. Perhaps it was safer for you to stay with your adoptive father than to stay with him."

Lloyd grinned. "Yeah, maybe. I'd like to think that. It would mean that he cares about me still, even though he's not around."

"I'm sure he does," the mercenary said with startling vehemence. "If he is alive, I am certain that he cares about you."

The teenager thought about what Kratos had said. "I hope you're right," he whispered finally, staring at the ground. "I really hope you're right. I just wish I could hear him say it, though. I wish- I wish I knew what he was like." Lloyd smiled as he thought back to his childhood. "I always thought him being somebody special, or amazing, but-yeah."

He hesitated. This was something he really wasn't sure he wanted to tell Kratos. But once again, his innermost thoughts spilled out before he could stop them. "If he's anything like you- you've helped me out a lot, and helped me grow stronger- if my dad is anything like you, I'd be really happy to be the son of someone like that."

Thoroughly embarrassed now, Lloyd quickly turned and hurried back to the others, who were starting to call his and Kratos's names. He did not hear Kratos whisper, barely more than a breath in the night wind, "Then I will do my best to be the father you deserve. Though no father on this world could deserve a son like you."


End file.
